A couple of weeks ago I posted about goals that I have for 2018, but something else that I have been doing to be more salubrious to myself is trying to get into the habit of being more reflective and decluttering.
My reflective period begins with cleaning up my work area and room. As I’m cleaning, I do my best to gather my thoughts. Once I’m done with cleaning, I make myself a cup of tea, put a face mask on, and either go to my journal or blog (depends on how personal my thoughts are) and write what thoughts I have in my head. I run through the gamut of human emotion. If it’s something that I can address, I write out ways that I can address it. If it’s something that I can’t do anything about, this tends to me the more likely case, I ask myself to graciously accept it and let it go.
I decided to write this post because I’ve always found it difficult to speak about this side of me. I’m relatively bubbly in-person. When I’m melancholic, everyone gets concerned, and I know they want the best for me, and tries to be supportive. Even when things have gone-to-shit, I accept it and don’t bother. That’s just the way that life is so why bother fretting about it?
To an extent, I have constantly struggled with depression, and 2017 was one of the hardest times I’ve had for a while. By the end of 2017, I found myself in a very dark place again. 2018 so far hasn’t been forgiving either.
Through the course of last year to present day, I’ve pushed and worked myself both mentally and physically sicker than I’ve ever been just to cope with it all. I habitually keep working and kept myself occupied, because if I work more I don’t have time to think. Although as pleasant as it seems to be productive, there are times where I am unable to focus, nothing gets accomplished, and I end up self-loathing myself more. But I don’t want to feel like I’m “just coping.” Currently, I’m not, but I want to get better. This is a note for me to keep going, just as much as this is a note for anyone who feels like they’re simply never good enough.
We’re people — and we’re not meant to be perfect. It’s okay to feel like a failure because that’s a lesson as well as an opportunity to make up for it even when it seems like there isn’t. It’s okay not to be happy and unsure, but there’s hope that it will get better.